Completely Different Person

Remember when I said I wanted to be a doctor?

That wasn't me. I never wanted to be a doctor. That was what my mother wanted. (She still wants her children to be a doctor anyway. I know it)

I'm a student studying in commerce anyway. Know what's surprising? I love accounting. Yes, I'm on the way of becoming an accountant, hopefully. Who knows I might change my dream again. I keep changing.

I mean, I'm still that annoying chatty girl who's also very clumsy. I never change that (as much I tried to.)

While I'm still me, I'm still different for changing my aspirations. If I were dating someone right we would've broken up already since, you know, change of heart.

Unless....

Never mind. That's all. G'day!

Another Friendship Letter

It has been a really, really, really long time. Frankly, I didn't even intend on blogging here at all. But um, I just remembered years ago when I wrote here about a friend who I thought maybe we weren't that much of friends at all.
This is about a friendship. Different friend though. Anyway, moving on. Here's something I've wanted to say but too much of a coward to say face to face. The friend won't be reading this. That's the whole point.

Dear a very good friend of mine, San Francisco (bukan nama sebenar),

I'm sorry things have been quite hectic for me. I have no idea why my heart just keeps urging me to stay farther away from you. Every time we talk, it seems to me that I'm just avoiding you and like, I just, I can't. I can't even make a coherent sentence right now. You've been good to me. Nice to me, which I'm very grateful of. But I'm also sure we deserve better friends than each other. I know, I believe you do trust me. God, I trust you with my life too. But the problem with me with friends is always that friends are always secretive of my existence. Like, they're afraid to tell people they befriend me. Not because I'm an embarrassment (sometimes), but because their friends don't trust me.
Anyway, that's just a small point of why I've been avoiding you. This is the second reason. Bigger part of me actually.
Last night you texted me and asked me if you were a burden to me, or to anyone.
In existence, you are not a burden. You are a gift. You see things that not many people do. You think vastly. I know you think you're dumb just because of your result and all that, but you're smart in some ways. And I am very glad to be one of the few people who witness that--even though more people should know that. Instead, a lot of people hate you. I actually can see why, but they never really make an effort to see what's beneath you. Our kinds of people, San Cisco, is that they only see black and white. They never see grey. They have seen your purity and kindness. But once they see that blackness--just a glimpse--they instantly avoid you like a plague. I can promise you that that is not the reason why I'm avoiding you. I see both of your sides and I still think you're good. Good person. But I am tired of being just your shell. I saw when you were vulnerable, and you saw me when I was vulnerable too. We have a lot of things in common, believe it or not.
I want to give you more time to discover who you are and I want you to stop playing victim. I want you to stop feeling sorry for yourself. It seems like you only need me to feel good about yourself, as much as I'm always blunt around you. I know that you need me right now. Hell, the one thing you think you need the most is me, a friend. Call me selfish, I also have a heavy weight I'm carrying on my shoulder and I'm alone as well, as you. And we both know we have Allah.
I just can't bring myself to be the person you depend on. I need you to be on your own, be yourself, discover who you are. And it hurts sometimes that your sort of greeting is "I have a story to share" which is about your problem. I used to not mind listening to people's problems but right now I just cannot. I know you just broke up. And I can't bring myself to listen to why you just broke up. I already knew it was falling apart when we were talking though but all you told me was "Seriously, we're okay. We just have this (insert huge problem you probably didn't notice it was huge)."
Maybe I'm mad that you won't listen to me and right now I'm giving you silent treatment and let you deal your own problem.
God, you're not a burden at all. But you can be quite overwhelming. Listening to your problems alone could make me lose sleep. Not your fault what's been happening. You are not the burden here. Your problems are. It sucks you're dealing with all these. But I've been thinking as well; why does this keep happening to you?
I need a break. But you never got the break. And I'm sorry. I'm for sorry for being selfish. I'm so sorry I'm being a bad friend. I'm so sorry I'm leaving you. I'm sorry that I can't anymore. I'm just so sorry. But sorry is not enough.
I'm so hypocrite since I also like to tell my problems to my friends. Which is why I feel so bad every time I tell them my problems. I can't tell you much of my problems because then I'll feel indebted to listen to yours as well.
I am one selfish person and you do not deserve me.
Right now I just blocked your contact because I'm so scared to tell you what's going on with me. I'm just sorry I'm doing this to you. I care about you. But I can't do this anymore.
But you are not a burden, I promise. You deserve so much more than this.

gender roles

"i'm not like most girls." "ew makeup." "i prefer having boys as best friend more because less drama." "i hate chick flicks too!" 

first of all, i, as a girl, do admit that some girls could be a disgrace and degrading to themselves but so could guys. the wrong thing is when girls degrading other girls, automatically degrading the whole population of girls and therefore, making girls appear as stupid, weak creature instead of precious jewel of the Earth. 

it frustrates me to no end to see some girls make comments about other girls, creating a girl fight over something so childish. even worse when neither of them did wrong, but it was because of another guy who broke both of their hearts. i get that girls are sensitive, but YOU are a girl, you should understand the emotional ride girls going through. don't blame other girls for not having that slight testosterone in your body while some girls have that full oestrogen going on. humans work different ways and just because you're less girly, does not mean you're a lot cooler. just because you're girly, doesn't mean you're weak and in need of a knight in shining armour. 

most females are appeared more as an object. but so do men. humans are beautiful creatures that we all appreciate. when females are objectified as "hot", "sexy" and so on, you call it sexist, but when men are, you call it... appreciative. and men take pride in it (sometimes) 

another thing i've heard is female appears to be softer, more feminine, gentle, weak. females need grace. this is not true. females can be anything while being a female. they are beautiful, they have strength. you compare giving birth to being kicked in the groin? let me ask you, do you necessarily get kicked in your groin as much as girls get their period monthly and having to carry YOUR child? this question, of course, applies to men. if you need to compare something, don't compare something that you don't necessarily get. it's not like your job is to get your groin being kicked. it's not like being kicked in the groin gets you something, it's not like being kicked in the groin is a natural phenomena or something. you get kicked in the groin for being a horrible person, if you're being a horrible person. you get kicked for a misunderstanding which does not happen a lot. you have your groin under control. 

if you ask me, i would say females win on that one. they're strong for that. 

i know most leaders are males, but that does not mean the society is a sexist for picking a man as a leader. just because a man is given bigger responsibility of leadership, that does not mean men are any better than women. it's all about the balance. being a leader maybe means power to some people, but it does not take control over everything. it doesn't mean women's capability are doubted. you don't underestimate the capability of a woman. but at times, it's about the brain work. some women could be a lot more intimidating than men, but most of the times, men have more patience than women which is what we need in leadership. but when it comes to smartness, i don't feel like judging this because both women and men have their own specialty in their own department. 

i believe my God has created everything in Earth with justice. men have weakness and you know what that is? their dirty minds, their uncontrollable hormones sometimes. but that doesn't mean girls don't feel those ways too, but guys... guys have it more bad since girls could control that. why? because they have other things they worry about. they have their bloody down under, they have their instinct to look good (yes, guys get that, but at least guys don't even need to wear makeup. you still look normal with your bare face while girls appear to look more tired without makeup so they wear it. some don't wear it, but that's totally up to them, but they still want to look good somewhere. their hair. or outfit. doesn't necessarily mean makeup) 

now that i write all of these, i find myself so annoying for comparing female and male. the point is, embrace yourself and stop judging others for their choices! or their hormones! or how their brain works! i say we all are equal, no one takes control over no one (except mums and dads. we need to listen to our parents, y'all but still, it's our life) and stop embarrassing each other! stop degrading each other! i get some of you have pet peeves, annoyed by some things but HEY, NEWS FLASH: THAT IS YOUR PERSONAL PROBLEM. it's called an opinion, which you can choose to keep it to yourself instead of hurting someone else. just don't be a horrible person. don't be an asshole. be yourself, let others be themselves, except if you have that evil vibe going on, that's your demon, not you. get it out, don't murder anyone. don't torture anyone because of your weird kinkiness. 

have a good day. 

idk

well wow. hi. this is random. why am i writing? idk. and to top it all, i'm writing all in lowercase. does that mean anything? does that have to do with me changing over these years? already not caring either i'm writing in lowercase or normally? how i'm just going to nail it?

it's been ages (lately i've been saying that a lot too whoa) and i feel like writing again, here, about my life. not about everything, not about everyday. it would be randomly. it would be unexpected. i'm no longer the type to do things regularly anymore, just occasionally. or maybe just when i'm in the mood. i don't know. it's like i'm going nowhere now. like the path is endless and even if it ends, it would end when my life has finally been taken away, when my spirit would be separated from my body, when i finally am being buried deep 6 feet underground. that's what life is, right? just an endless repetitive cycle. born, live, die, born, live, die, born, live, die. you're not going to be all nicholas flamel where you could reborn or wake up from the dead, all that jazz.

plus, that's fiction, guys.

you'll wake up from the dead


on the Restriction Day.

so don't worry. it's not the end. wait, it IS the end. brace yourself because the religious part of me is going to speak.

it IS the end because world is what i call the examination hall. some are lucky to pass without even going through the examination; those who die young before they hit puberty. i do feel sorry and i do sometimes cry when these young people who don't even get to see life die early. but at the same time i think that they are so lucky. they're lucky for not having the unfortunate of watching the evil that has been happening here in the world. they're lucky for not having these demons trying to drag them to the dark sides. they're lucky because they won't have to push off these devils whispering in your ear to do all sorts of forbidden things just to make them fail in life.

but at the same time, those who get to live are lucky too. they get to see the beautiful things Allah has created. they get to do good deeds so they could get the amazing rewards God has promised, like the paradise where everyone wears green silk and golds and drinks from the crystal clear river that is really delicious and they get to smell really really really nice and the best is, they get to live near to Rasulullah s.a.w.

how lucky.

while me? i'm so dumb. so stupid. for still finding reasons why am i still alive. for still questioning my existence, why was i born at the first place. i feel like life's worth living when you get to change people's lives. life's worth living when you feel the sweetness of imaan.

but i'm so dumb. i know i've been dragged into the dark sides yet here i am, still here. trapped. not even trying to find a way to escape. and i hate myself for that.

here i am. still dealing with my anxiety and insecurities and self loathe and how i hate myself RIGHT AFTER i started to love myself. idk, every time i found the reason to love myself, every time i see the beauty in me, something happened and everything i see changes 180 degrees. i see that one dirt in me, i see that ugliness, i see my dark past, i see the one small thing that instantly flaws my entire self. and then i start to change, i start to fall again, i go back to the anxiety and insecurities and self loathing again and i start questioning why am i alive again and i just

sometimes i feel, wait, no, i know that i'm the stupid one here that exaggerates everything. i'm the stupid one here like what the... this anxiety is nothing oh my god this is such a small deal why the HELL am i so weak i mean some people have it worse and i'm here being such a baby and idiot and completely, utterly ludicrous to even THINK about myself, how selfish i am.

why the hell do i still sit around not doing anything about my goddamned self? I DON'T KNOW.


i just, i don't know. that's it. i don't know.