Laughter of Pain.

It is true. People who laugh too much, are the one who always cry. Like me.

Yesterday, I went jogging with my gang, Abu, my neighbour, Munirah and my friend, Mai. Didn't really jog but dude, from Taman Nusa Subang to Subang Murni, then go back home, that's tiring ok lol. Walking is an exercise too :P

That's all lol.

So, mum's still pissed with me. I mean, I woke up late when the time she finally booked for Breaking Dawn. She was so exasperated. Until... I can't watch movie with Aishah :/. It's not that I was doing that in purpose! But mum I thought I did. I was really sleepy that time because I couldn't sleep at night :/

She also thinks I'm... arrogant because I don't sosialise much when there are guests come to our house. I'm shy! I'm too awkward. You know how awkward I am. I don't know what to do, what to say and I'm too shy. I'm awkward! But mum thinks I'm arrogant. What can I say? Sigh.

I wish I could... please my mum. But it's not easy :( It's just sad, that my mum always misunderstand about me.

Every time I got stressed out, mum thought it must be because of guys. When I actually cried because of her. I wish I could tell her the truth because she never want to believe me. She said everyone knows how "slutty" I am. Sigh. Mum, how many times should I tell you I'm not that kind of girl. I don't hang around boys and being flirty or whatever to them. No!!! I'm not like that!

And then one day, I told her I was crying because of her, because I miss who she was, before she has... adopted children who's in my brother's age.

And she said I'm full of jealousy. Full of venge. Something like that. And I cried. Cried.

I always cry because of her. I love her, but... sometimes I want her to be like, "It's okay, darling, I'm always here for you. I know you're the best" or like, understands me. That she won't compare me to others.

No, I'm not saying she's not good. She's the best woman in the world. But... how trouble girl I am, I don't want her to not trust me at all. She doesn't trust me at all and that saddens me.

It's like I'm the worse daughter in the world. It's like I'm not worth living. Like I wasn't suppose to born in this world. Like she wasn't suppose to deliver me in the first place. Or whatever.

Like I'm a one regret. A loser. A trouble bitch.

I hate feeling this. I hate it so much. I know I'm stupid. I know I'm dumb. I know I'm the laziest ass ever. I hate everything. I hate my life because of this.

There's only one definition of perfect life to me that exist - an understanding parents. Especially mum.

I don't want to be dragged to hell because of being anak derhaka. No, I don't want that. I mean, who wants that? Only stupid people wants it.

I don't know when will everything change. It's like I disappoint her endlessly. I hate to be a big disappointment. Sigh.

Well. I guess I have to be strong. I have to find strength in me and be able to shut up every time mum mad at me. Because sometimes I want to say it back to her of how wrong she is about me, SOMETIMES. And how I want to convince her I'm not that kind of person. I'm not that bad.

Stop writing by now, and writing really makes me much, much better.