Suck it, you sucker. No, not you. Don't get offended too much, chill down.
It's positive. Najla is getting crazier than ever. Wait, she's always crazy. That's what she loves about herself. Her, being herself.
Nothing is simple. The truth is, there's just so many secrets I've been hiding. So many lies I've been telling. So many fake smiles and expressions I showed. Every night I shed tears for something stupid. Well, literally not every night.
Frankly speaking, I'm a liar. But I don't lie all the time. When I lied, I'll feel so guilty. Not to someone I lied to. Guilty to God. And damn it, no I'm not trying to lecture here. Ugh. I suck at everything. But I can't tell the truth all the time.
I'm a freakin coward.
Sometimes people can sense my lies. Maybe I am a bad liar. Or maybe not because I'm good at denying. Good at giving reasons.
Long story short; I'm an idiot.
That's the thing.
Well, whatever. I'm a loner. I don't socialize much. I stay at home all the time. Reading novels, playing laptop, eat, sleep, scribbling journal, drawing, writing nonsense stuffs. Story of my life! Soon to be fat, eh. Well, I am fat after all. Big arms, big thighs...... Ugh.
I need to get a life. I'm so lifeless.
And I keep on imagining nonsense stuffs. Daydreaming. Reading too much nonsense stuffs. Being ridiculous. And then pimples on my face. Ok........................
I keep growing more mature and mature and my mum got pissed, saying that I think about boys, I daydreaming too much.
Mum, please. I don't think about boys all the time. I only think about non-existing boys. Like, from my novels. Puh-lease, mum, the only guy I've been in love with, was Alif Izzat. WAS. And that's all. From first to last. The guy who broke my heart. Well, I broke his heart NICELY. He broke my heart badly. That's the difference. And I have fragile heart. He's just some cute guy who can get any girl he wants.
W.h.a.t.e.v.e.r.
But seriously, I don't think about boys! Besides, I have high taste! And my taste is... guys from novels. AND THAT'S FREAKIN RIDICULOUS TO FIND. IMPOSSIBLE TO FIND. And celebrity crush. Cute guys, like English guys... If I stay at America or England, then mum can say I think about boys, so many cute boys there lol.
Truth is, I'm not that gedik girls! Girls who "Eh budak form 3 tu handsome ah." "Eh that form 5 hot gila!" NO. FUCK NO. JUST NO. I'm not that kind of girl who keep think about boys. Boys is not matter to me! Sheeeesh. This thing has to be taken seriously....
The reason I grow mature, is because of TV. Because of novels. I read and watch adult thing. Like... duh?
And I freakin hate when people say I love boys too much. Ew, no, just, hell no. I only fantasize Matt Lanter, Lucas Grabeel, Nick Robinson from Melissa & Joey.
I don't even think Miyyo Azman is handsome. Ha. Ha. Ha. He's kinda cute, but he's just... regular, typical, average, ordinary good looking type. Look how high my taste is.
So gonna die alone because of this.
I don't like when mum only sees my negativity. I don't like it. I love her, I do, but if she keeps on misunderstand about me, it just feels like I can't be a good daughter. My patience has limit! And I don't like fight back her words. I do really love her and grateful to have her as my mother, but if keeps on seeing my negative part, it just makes me even more exasperated. Makes our mother-daughter relationship more tense. I don't like that. Sigh.
Right. I'm being way too honest right now.
It's just, I need something to make me even better. It's 6.30AM and I have to watch Breaking Dawn, my mum booked the ticket, this 1PM! Got to sleep for now before I become more honest.
Sometimes things are better left unsaid.
No comments:
Post a Comment