360 Degrees Transformation

Assalamu'alaikum warrahmatullahi wabarakatuh :-)

Tuhanku, aku tidak layak untuk syurgaMu, tetapi aku tidak pula sanggup menanggung seksa nerakaMu. Dari itu kurniakanlah ampunan kepadaku. Ampunkanlah dosaku. Sesungguhnya Engkaulah Pengampun dosa-dosa besar.

I have this feeling. This good feeling. This overwhelming feeling. This lovely feeling. This beautiful feeling. This love. This wonderful feeling.

I always want to transform into someone better. But I always back to the old me. This time, I won't turn back. Yes, transforming is the hardest thing. The most difficult. The most challenging part in my life. You know, from music to bacaan ayat-ayat Al-Quran/zikir, from t-shirt and jeans to baju and tudung labuh with seluar labuh, from procrastinating and wasting time to read al-Quran and read Hadith and read tafsiran al-Quran. I need to transform step by step. One by one. Yes it is hard, it is difficult, and it's not impossible to go back to the old me. But I will try my best to not go back there. How jahil I was. How ashamed I am to list all my sins. How I hate it. Hate my sins but I keep doing it again and again.

Tinggalkan solat dengan sengaja, had boyfriend (and no please don't misunderstand, we never done anything but it's still a sin), lying and talk back to my parents, my hot-temper, my novels, my favourite movies. I have so many sins and I must change. No matter what. I don't want to be that me again. I'm enough with it. I can't bear thinking of my sins. And I don't want to just say I want to transform but then I don't make any effort.

How much I love Allah. How much I fear Allah. But I still disobeyed him. And I don't want to do it. I don't want to just change into someone who wear tudung and do the rukun Iman, no that's only the basic. I want to be better. I wasn't good enough. Now, I want to be good. Really good.

After reading Versus, it's like I just wake up. I just realized. Pakai tudung tapi tinggal solat pun tak cukup baik. Pakai tudung then tak tinggal solat macam itu pun belum cukup baik lagi kalau perangai belum elok lagi. I want to be better. There's always room for perfection, right? Yes, nobody's perfect, but there's perfection for our own satisfaction right? Yes, we, as human never satisfy. I myself never satisfy too. But doesn't mean I can't fix to myself to my own perfection, am I right?

I just need someone, a friend, to lead me to the path. That path.

I told my mum about what I want to be. I cried and she hugged me. Ya Allah, sedihnya bila teringat dosa. Melawan ibubapa itu dosa besar. Ada boyfriend tu pun berdosa juga to me. I mean when on phone, rasa macam berdosa sangat. But that was long time ago lah. Now crush pun tak ada hehehe alhamdulillah. My mum said berubah itu memang tak mudah, but it's not impossible. Kena berubah step by step. Doesn't mean kena transform 360 degrees, susah itu. Kena satu-satu. InsyaAllah, Allah always akan tolong. Always always with us.

So today I went out wearing baju kurung and tudung labuh. Yes at first I was kinda worried about what will the society think of me. But like seriously, society doesn't even care. People nowadays only care about society's view more than Allah's view. Salah tu kan? Dulu yes I admit pernah tengok this girl around my age pakai tudung labuh and baju labuh and I was thinking, macam orang kampung. Itu dulu memang dulu gila. Then as the time past, I saw many girls wearing labuh-labuh ni and I was thinking, bilalah aku nak jadi macam itu pula? Rasa teringin sangat. Yelah, tengok diri sendiri yang tak sempurna and tengok mereka. Nampak perfect sangat in my eyes. Absolutely. I was thinking, when's my turn? Then read novels that the character's so alim and I was thinking, bestnya kalau dapat jadi macam dia. Better person. Then I read Versus, dapat lagi mendalam about transformation. From someone cool to someone better. We don't live to please anyone. We live because of Allah, so yeah.

Changing for good is not a crime :-)

From Foster The People, Muse, Christina Perri to nasyid, zikir, surah. From T-shirt and jeans to baku kurung or jubah or baju labuh with tudung labuh and seluar labuh and socks. From romantic novels to Hadith and al-Quran. From swear words yang memang membazir air liur je cakap to 'MasyaAllah', 'Subhanallah', 'Astaghfirullah', 'Ya Allah'. And bila ada waktu terlapang, instead of tweeting, better read al-Quran and read the tafsiran right? Bila baca tafsiran and tahu maksud dalam al-Quran tu, kita akan rasa lebih menghayati dan rasa feeling sikit bila baca al-Quran. Maybe boleh menangis. Islam is such a beautiful religion.

Please pray for me that I won't go back to the old me, insyaAllah. I will always pray for myself and for everyone I love, too. Including you! Hehe.

Allah tengok usaha, bukan natijah.


Wa billahi taufiq wal hidayah, wassalamu'alaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh. Salam sejahtera and have a nice day everyone. Muslims, may Allah bless you all. Have faith.



PS: I suggest you to read Versus by Hlovate and Does My Head Look Big In This :-)
PPS: I want these books :- Enjoy Your Life - Dr. Muhammad Abd Al Rahman Al=Arifi
- Romanticisme: A Weapon of Satan by Harun Al Yahya
- Maryam: An Exemplary Muslim Woman by Harun Al Yahya

Hmm.