Just hi.

Hi. I'm Najla. I thought I knew who am I but actually I don't. I don't know. I'm not sure. Do I care? Yes. No. I don't know. I always have doubts in my life. I always have confusions. I. Don't. Know. Gosh, why the hell am I feeling so crappy about this.

I'm shy, although sometimes I feel confident. So I'm not sure if I'm either shy or confident. My friends sometimes always ask me when it comes to asking other people we don't know. So I feel so daring that I just shrug and do what they asked me to do. But then again, I'm also shy. Meeting new people and just say nothing. Cats got my tongue ha-ha-ha. Or maybe I'm just awkward. Well, I am awkward. I do like adrenaline rush something like that. Ok, that's random. Truth is, dammit my mind's blank.

Frankly speaking, I don't really talk much to strangers because I feel like I will make fool of myself. Like whatever I will talk about they will think I'm stupid. Or they just don't care what am I saying and wondering why in the world of hell am I talking to them. That's why I speak less. Although sometimes I could talk a lot... only when I feel like rambling. Now that is me. The reason why I can build my confidence when my friends ask me to is because I feel challenged and I don't give no to challenge.

I'm the type of girl who doesn't go out often. I hate going out. I don't enjoy vacations. I don't enjoy sports. I don't enjoy those outdoor thing. Except when it comes to shop for myself or actually do something like ride on roller coasters. Those are my idea of fun. Or maybe go out with friends that I enjoy their company. You know? I'm pretty boring and I'm easily bored. I would rather sit at home in my room with the door locked. I love privacy. I have my journals, my pencils, my pens, my books, my phone that I could listening to music, and I would enjoy iPad so I could read on Wattpad or write my story on my private Tumblr. That's what I prefer most.

What I want is serenity. What I want is to go somewhere no one knows so I could do whatever the hell I want without people hear me. Without anyone invading my privacy. Without me worrying if people hear me singing out loud because all I want is to scream from the top of my lungs. I just want to dance, I just want to make my fantasy real.

I don't want to worry about anything.

When it comes to people around me... sometimes I feel like I don't fit in any society. I would appreciate if I could have someone who has the same idea of fun as mine. Like singing the same songs I like - and not just some mainstream pop songs. Some other songs maybe? And someone who I can quote movie lines together, for fun, someone who understands me, someone whom I don't need to think what I should say because I could just say anything to the certain someone. Someone who is not afraid to tell me opinions that I don't agree because we both could just be honest without taking offense. And then we could just argue for fun.... Someone fun, someone who could be totally opposite of me in a good way. Not opposite of me that I hate like if that someone likes things that I think really lame. Someone who likes cool stuffs that I hate, maybe?

Oh my god, now I'm being ridiculous. And I did not just describe my ideal partner or whatever it is. I'm just describing someone that I appreciate if they exist. Someone I can sing old songs together and watch old movies together then we can either make fun of the movies or simply just quoting them and act like the movie characters.

Sometimes I wonder... what if my twin survived? What would he or she be like? Will I be the same like I am right now? What if we're so close we push everyone away and be in our own world? What if we hate each other? What if he or she is the completely opposite of me although he/she is my other half?

My twin is so lucky, no need to be worry about the world. He or she will be happy in the paradise.




I don't know what to say. Do I know myself?

I'm not sure.