Loner 15-year-old

For 15 years I fantasized about everyone noticing me as I walked down the hall. What would I be wearing? Would every guy worship me? Would I be five inches taller and have porn tits? No, that was not my reality. My moment in the spotlight sucked some serious ass. Lol ok that was a line from MTV Awkward ok lol yes I watched the whole season millions of times and the season 2 still not airing here in Malaysia but well, downloaded heh i guess I am an awkwarder. And the line was true (except the porn tits part because i don't like to have big boobs) (oops, too much information) So last July 8th, it was my 15th birthday. It went out well but not a happy birthday. Ah who cares anyway. It's just a birthday, it doesn't mean anything except I'm becoming a year older. What ever. None of my wishes were granted. But whatever. What. Ever. Okay fine. Fine. My friends wished me,and I love them and appreciate it. Lissa gave me a mug with The Wanted picture and it says something like "Happy birthday Najla Sykes! I hope you love this mug. Love you til infinity! Your 4th TLCS sistah, Lissa Keynes Asyura Stypayhoralikson.xoxo" hehe aww thanks bbz :'-) And my mum gave me a DKNY watch yayy! I haven't worn watch since... ages. Mum bought me Baskin Robbin's ice cream cake. So. Saddest part is.. the only one who wished me on my birthday was my mum. Well my brother didn't exactly wished but he did say "Mintaklah mama hadiah." lol. My sister, well, she just asked me to cut the cake because she wanted to eat it. Didn't really sing happy birthday but well. I celebrated with my parents and my two sisters. Yeah. Just blow candles and eat the cake. The end. So the title is about me being a loner. Okay. Do you know why I like to lock myself in my bedroom? Because it felt like I'm in my own world. No one else. I don't care about anything. I do what I want, what I love - writing, drawing, listening to music, watching videos in YouTube, reading novels. Yes, I don't really social much. I'm not really close with my family. I love them but well. Sometimes I feel like a useless, unloved girl. Smetimes i feel like I don't deserve to live. I can't find good things in me that can actually make me worth living. But no no no i cant think that. There's always Allah, of course. I hate this feeling when I feel like I can't find reasons to live. Shit i feel like a suicidal kid. I'm just a girl who loves to lock herself on her bedroom. Who is in love with a guy she never met because he's an international celebrity. A girl who writes and draws. This fat girl who hates doing exercise. This girl who is a lazy ass. This girl who had feelings for a guy for almost 4 years and that guy just celebrated his anniversary with his girlfriend. I repeat, HAD. This girl who is gullible, weak, rude, selfish, rebellious, and stubborn. This bitch has a pathetic life. No I am not confident like how I look like. I have the lowest self-esteem although I look confident because I volunteered to talk and sing in front of everyone many times. It sucks, okay? To have a low self esteem. Trust me! I really tried to be more confident but it won't work. I just need to fix myself. I'm a very high competitive but sometimes I feel like ai am not good enough compare to everyone around me. I have smart friends and there's me, being dumb. So I just need to study harder and be more competitive. One more thing - I used to like to see myself in the mirror. Now all I see is a girl with fat arms and fat thighs. And I swear I think I am chubbier. What is wrong with me, caring about physical appearance but never really make effort. I don't exercise, i eat a lot. Oh my face with pimples. Hah. I know I have to be grateful with what Allah has created for me. This low confidence leads me to what I feel now. What should I do in my life I'm so tired and I'm so sick and now I sound like an attention seeker whore although all what I'm doing is spilling out what do I feel now, what I've kept all these times, what's been bothering my mind. Don't judge a girl who is kinda like having a mental problem, I'm writing to express, not to be judged. xoxo The Wanted's girl Oh yes this is exactly the right time to listen to I'll Be Your Strength, the song the lads wrote for their fans. Like Nathan said something like "what ever you've been through, we love you. This is a song me and Jay wrote for you" it's actually longer what he said. PS: sorry for the long post