idk

well wow. hi. this is random. why am i writing? idk. and to top it all, i'm writing all in lowercase. does that mean anything? does that have to do with me changing over these years? already not caring either i'm writing in lowercase or normally? how i'm just going to nail it?

it's been ages (lately i've been saying that a lot too whoa) and i feel like writing again, here, about my life. not about everything, not about everyday. it would be randomly. it would be unexpected. i'm no longer the type to do things regularly anymore, just occasionally. or maybe just when i'm in the mood. i don't know. it's like i'm going nowhere now. like the path is endless and even if it ends, it would end when my life has finally been taken away, when my spirit would be separated from my body, when i finally am being buried deep 6 feet underground. that's what life is, right? just an endless repetitive cycle. born, live, die, born, live, die, born, live, die. you're not going to be all nicholas flamel where you could reborn or wake up from the dead, all that jazz.

plus, that's fiction, guys.

you'll wake up from the dead


on the Restriction Day.

so don't worry. it's not the end. wait, it IS the end. brace yourself because the religious part of me is going to speak.

it IS the end because world is what i call the examination hall. some are lucky to pass without even going through the examination; those who die young before they hit puberty. i do feel sorry and i do sometimes cry when these young people who don't even get to see life die early. but at the same time i think that they are so lucky. they're lucky for not having the unfortunate of watching the evil that has been happening here in the world. they're lucky for not having these demons trying to drag them to the dark sides. they're lucky because they won't have to push off these devils whispering in your ear to do all sorts of forbidden things just to make them fail in life.

but at the same time, those who get to live are lucky too. they get to see the beautiful things Allah has created. they get to do good deeds so they could get the amazing rewards God has promised, like the paradise where everyone wears green silk and golds and drinks from the crystal clear river that is really delicious and they get to smell really really really nice and the best is, they get to live near to Rasulullah s.a.w.

how lucky.

while me? i'm so dumb. so stupid. for still finding reasons why am i still alive. for still questioning my existence, why was i born at the first place. i feel like life's worth living when you get to change people's lives. life's worth living when you feel the sweetness of imaan.

but i'm so dumb. i know i've been dragged into the dark sides yet here i am, still here. trapped. not even trying to find a way to escape. and i hate myself for that.

here i am. still dealing with my anxiety and insecurities and self loathe and how i hate myself RIGHT AFTER i started to love myself. idk, every time i found the reason to love myself, every time i see the beauty in me, something happened and everything i see changes 180 degrees. i see that one dirt in me, i see that ugliness, i see my dark past, i see the one small thing that instantly flaws my entire self. and then i start to change, i start to fall again, i go back to the anxiety and insecurities and self loathing again and i start questioning why am i alive again and i just

sometimes i feel, wait, no, i know that i'm the stupid one here that exaggerates everything. i'm the stupid one here like what the... this anxiety is nothing oh my god this is such a small deal why the HELL am i so weak i mean some people have it worse and i'm here being such a baby and idiot and completely, utterly ludicrous to even THINK about myself, how selfish i am.

why the hell do i still sit around not doing anything about my goddamned self? I DON'T KNOW.


i just, i don't know. that's it. i don't know.