Another Friendship Letter

It has been a really, really, really long time. Frankly, I didn't even intend on blogging here at all. But um, I just remembered years ago when I wrote here about a friend who I thought maybe we weren't that much of friends at all.
This is about a friendship. Different friend though. Anyway, moving on. Here's something I've wanted to say but too much of a coward to say face to face. The friend won't be reading this. That's the whole point.

Dear a very good friend of mine, San Francisco (bukan nama sebenar),

I'm sorry things have been quite hectic for me. I have no idea why my heart just keeps urging me to stay farther away from you. Every time we talk, it seems to me that I'm just avoiding you and like, I just, I can't. I can't even make a coherent sentence right now. You've been good to me. Nice to me, which I'm very grateful of. But I'm also sure we deserve better friends than each other. I know, I believe you do trust me. God, I trust you with my life too. But the problem with me with friends is always that friends are always secretive of my existence. Like, they're afraid to tell people they befriend me. Not because I'm an embarrassment (sometimes), but because their friends don't trust me.
Anyway, that's just a small point of why I've been avoiding you. This is the second reason. Bigger part of me actually.
Last night you texted me and asked me if you were a burden to me, or to anyone.
In existence, you are not a burden. You are a gift. You see things that not many people do. You think vastly. I know you think you're dumb just because of your result and all that, but you're smart in some ways. And I am very glad to be one of the few people who witness that--even though more people should know that. Instead, a lot of people hate you. I actually can see why, but they never really make an effort to see what's beneath you. Our kinds of people, San Cisco, is that they only see black and white. They never see grey. They have seen your purity and kindness. But once they see that blackness--just a glimpse--they instantly avoid you like a plague. I can promise you that that is not the reason why I'm avoiding you. I see both of your sides and I still think you're good. Good person. But I am tired of being just your shell. I saw when you were vulnerable, and you saw me when I was vulnerable too. We have a lot of things in common, believe it or not.
I want to give you more time to discover who you are and I want you to stop playing victim. I want you to stop feeling sorry for yourself. It seems like you only need me to feel good about yourself, as much as I'm always blunt around you. I know that you need me right now. Hell, the one thing you think you need the most is me, a friend. Call me selfish, I also have a heavy weight I'm carrying on my shoulder and I'm alone as well, as you. And we both know we have Allah.
I just can't bring myself to be the person you depend on. I need you to be on your own, be yourself, discover who you are. And it hurts sometimes that your sort of greeting is "I have a story to share" which is about your problem. I used to not mind listening to people's problems but right now I just cannot. I know you just broke up. And I can't bring myself to listen to why you just broke up. I already knew it was falling apart when we were talking though but all you told me was "Seriously, we're okay. We just have this (insert huge problem you probably didn't notice it was huge)."
Maybe I'm mad that you won't listen to me and right now I'm giving you silent treatment and let you deal your own problem.
God, you're not a burden at all. But you can be quite overwhelming. Listening to your problems alone could make me lose sleep. Not your fault what's been happening. You are not the burden here. Your problems are. It sucks you're dealing with all these. But I've been thinking as well; why does this keep happening to you?
I need a break. But you never got the break. And I'm sorry. I'm for sorry for being selfish. I'm so sorry I'm being a bad friend. I'm so sorry I'm leaving you. I'm sorry that I can't anymore. I'm just so sorry. But sorry is not enough.
I'm so hypocrite since I also like to tell my problems to my friends. Which is why I feel so bad every time I tell them my problems. I can't tell you much of my problems because then I'll feel indebted to listen to yours as well.
I am one selfish person and you do not deserve me.
Right now I just blocked your contact because I'm so scared to tell you what's going on with me. I'm just sorry I'm doing this to you. I care about you. But I can't do this anymore.
But you are not a burden, I promise. You deserve so much more than this.